{ This old bag? }
posted Wednesday, January 29, 2003 by Nebula[CSR]
As promised, here's a mailbag!

Dear Nebby,

As a newbie, I feel your pain... Actually I've been playing for a year. So as a crappy player, I feel your pain. It's been a long embarrassing road that I've traveled since my "friend" (yes, you {FOWG}Zylox) introduced me to my ultimate addiction: Counterstrike. My supernatural ability to suck bullets into my body is only trumped by my god-like skill of getting knifed in the ass. Laugh if you will, but know that very few players ever achieve this level of ability. This has caused me to reexamine my hobby and ask the painfully honest question: "Should I continue to play Counter Strike?"

Let's go back to my "addiction". Most people that are addicted to something get something in return. They get a high, a sense of power or bragging rights, depending on the addiction. I, on the other hand, have managed to find an addiction where the only benefit is that I make people laugh... and they laugh very, very hard. But, as you can imagine, making people laugh is only fun when you see the humor of your situation. (Note to reader: This letter is not humorous. If you find it to be hilarious it's because the CS Curse has followed me here.)

So the question remains: Will I continue to embarrass myself while entertaining and beefing up everyone’s scores? Of Course! I've found my niche in CS. No one can compete with me at my level. In fact several players have told me that they were reluctant to kill me because of the low prestige they’d gain and lack of bragging rights that they would have otherwise been able to perform.

So I endure countless 20 minute humiliation ceremonies where I fumble to reload my gun, pull out my knife instead and, with my knife, try to zoom in for a... LOL... kill. Of course the last three things are usually done before I realize that I have actually been dead for two minutes and have been viewing/living vicariously through some unknowing CS god (aka a person who can hit a target), while I wonder why the controls have taken on a life of their own. While this is happening, my teammates are receiving text messages similar to, "wwasddsaw rgxc q12da4 43." This, of course, makes them laugh... very, very hard. The tears of sorrow and angst I shed will soon reach the proportion of the tears of laughter that I've provoked.

To all the newbies (and crappy players), pray that you never reach the level I am playing at. Amen.

Damn your knife is sharp!

{FOWG}LaZaRuS


Dear Lazarus,

Yes, it's a tough life being an experienced CS player and still sucking. Of course, we can always say things like "Boy, wasn't Beta 7 great?" and similar, but when it comes to the crunch, sometimes we just have to admit that we suck. I know Van and Steve admit it every show, and I certainly can't deny it either. I find that often the best thing to do is try to get high scores with obscure weapons in the stats. At current I'm attempting to become the Lord High Master of the SG550. It's difficult, not only because my lack of ability, but also because it's such a crap gun, but I digress.

I think the best advice I can offer is rushing people with an AK, firing in bursts randomly in the enemy direction. I once scored 4 headshots in the one round because of that tactic.

Good luck!


Dear Nebby

Why the hell did VALVe change the name of "Tracker" (the uber-cool name of the messaging program from CS 1.4 Steam Beta) to "Friends" (the gay name of a gay TV show that airs on a gay station)? That's one of the stupidest names they could have chosen!

William "Disk2" Brendel


Disk2,

I always thought of the new Steam tracker as a way of making all the poor lost souls who play CS for companionship feel "special". When your lonely CS player loads up his Steam when the full version is released, he'll get the warm and happy feeling that at least somewhere he has a friend.

At least, that's how I see it.


Nebby,

If you could design any sort of game you wanted, with any technology you want, what would you design? I'm thinking you'd do some sort of guy that drinks a lot of Jim Beam and flashes old ladies. The more JB you drink, the more points you get, but less money. The more old ladies you flash, the more points you get, and a small possibility they'll drop their purse and you can buy more JB. There is also a chance that the police will show up and arrest you. The more JB you drink, the drunker you get, but the higher the chance you'll be arrested. By the end of the game, it comes down to your alcohol tolerance, how much money you have, and how many old ladies you've killed from heart attacks. There is also the bad, which is times arrested. It uses this to determine your final score as a Jackass.

-LaserGuidedBunnyRabbit


As much as my real life revolves around drunkenly flashing poor old women, I always found games that come close to real life rather boring (just scroll down to my jabbering about the Sims!). If I could design a game, it would probably be just like Counter-Strike.

... Except of course all the players are kung-fu fighting shiny robots who have their own super powers and could join together to make a giant super robot. And when they're singular, they could transform into cars a stuff.

... So I guess, when you think about it, my ideal game is nothing like Counter-Strike.

But you've gotta admit, CS could use some shiny kung-fu robots! 'Reckon Goose'll put it in 1.7?

Oh come on, he put a bullet shield in the game!

Cheers for all the mails folks! Remember to send more in!

-Nebby